Folks have described me variously as a redhead, sandy brown headed or light auburn headed….not that it matters much, with the exception that along with my hair shade comes a skin type that is unusually susceptible to things like the sun, freckles and a scourge that is commonly referred to as a chigger. Should we really want to destroy ISIS and eliminate other troublsome groups of folks who are up to nothing productive, we need to figure out a way to capture chiggers, place them in some sort of warhead and introduce our enemies to this torment of the highest order.
My first introduction to chiggers on a professional level occurred at the Odessa City reservoir back in the summer of 1974. One of our residents, seeking to escape the heat of an August night, consumed an inordinate quantity of beer, launched himself in a small boat to fish awhile, navigated some 50 feet offshore and promptly overturned the boat and drowned. This looked to be an easy recovery, with most of us standing in tall grass, offering encouragement to those who were attempting to locate this unfortunate soul from the safety of yet another small boat. The recovery was made and we adjourned to the PD to talk it over. Little did I know that I was being eaten alive by chiggers, resulting in a trip to the doc for professional grade antihistamines and industrial strength calamine lotion. As I write this, I am contending with 11 chigger bites, any one of which would make Marquis de Sade green with envy. How in the name of all that is Holy, can a bug with microscopic dimensions be so devilishly tormenting? It is no wonder that I prefer my blackberries safely frozen in colorful packaging fresh from the grocery store…..
The arms industry in America needs to rethink it’s approach to non-lethal weaponry, although I can easily see where a chigger victim would prefer a lethal alternative. Surely we can replicate these nasty little critters in quantities sufficient to spray them, agent orange style, over our sworn enemies which would undoubtedly bring them to our way of thinking. For close quarters combat we could carefully breed the chigger to create a super chigger, whose bite results in the instant, incessant itching that now takes a day or two to develop. We could even put these nasty little critters in aerosol cans and pepper sprayers. As a side note, the picture of these hoards of anti-American souls writhing in agony as they scratched uncontrollably, would serve to warn our other enemies of our new capabilities in waging war, thus further guaranteeing the safety of America. We could put the water boards away…just liberally spray the bad guy with chiggers, wait a day or two, and he will sing like a canary to avoid the prospect of additional dousing in the little pests. The possibilities are endless. I cannot imagine the power that would be had if one possessed a quart of the evil venom that chiggers have….
…….a torment of the highest order.