Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, aka, Butch Crotchety and the Slam Dance Squid are on to something. As much as I hate to lend credence to their vague muttering, I ran into a strange fellow at Wal-Mart this afternoon who was panhandling at the entrance to the store. At first glance, he appeared to be your garden variety liberal out to raise a few bucks to see him through Christmas. He spoke with a thick Russian accent, that I at first mistook for an Arkansas drawl, but was able to quickly isolate as Kremlin speak. In exchange for two bucks and couple of green bananas, he told me his story. Butch and Slam, both reeling from massive overdoses of Geritol, had matching epiphanys, and are just now alerting America as to how the Russians have managed to put Mr. Trump into office.
Igor, the Russian, was one of thousands of retired KGB agents that had surreptitiously infiltrated America in a massive operation funded by the Trump campaign and overseen by Vladimir Putin personally. Their objective was to identify deplorable folks and capitalize on their weak minds, currently thought to be full of visions of brightly wrapped black rifles and family Bibles and persuade them to bring their blue collar, white, hard working kinfolk to the polls where they could vote for Donald Trump and thus insure America’s capitulation to the mother country. Apparently, these types of people were everywhere, providing plenty of targets for Igor and his ilk. Vladimir, in a warehouse box store style motivational meeting, had assured these retread agents he would have their backs, and do the heavy lifting by cleverly infiltrating Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Michigan’s voting devices to further aid in throwing the election to Trump. Vladimir assured his minions that Trump was easy picking for the communists, and would be much simpler to manipulate than Hillary…..given her status as the single most qualified person to ever run for the Presidency. He also admitted that Hillary’s electronic communications would be easier to crack than an early model Etch-a Sketch, but that most of her musings were of little value as intelligence. Apparently, the Russians already knew that Bernie was a crackpot…….
Igor, and his colleagues were all pink slipped by Vladimir after one of the agents compromised their mission with loose talk at a Starbucks. This agent ordered an Americano, and was clueless when the barista asked him if wanted it with or without room……a tipoff picked up by a democrat who was patiently waiting for her double shot, caramel macchiato made with goats milk and light foam. Igor told me the numerous panhandlers in and around our cities are really agents, trying to raise the funds to relocate to a sanctuary city, where they would be protected from the nazi-like conservatives who would expect them to have visas. Vladimir was very edgy in their meeting, conceding that he was almost ferreted out at a remote American airport when his advance man ran into the US Attorney General who was on her way to a meeting with Hillary’s husband. Vlad was going to meet with Donald Trump and Vlad’s old drinking buddy, a fellow named Tillerson. Vlad remarked that a bottle of Stoli is all it would take to energize this Tillerson fellow on behalf of the motherland.
So, when you see a panhandler on a street corner……be careful. If they make eye contact and manage a weak smile….they have you made…..another deplorable and an easy mark. The good news is their ranks in these parts will soon thin out, as they migrate to Chicago or their mecca, San Francisco.
Quite a story……….I admit, however; not even John Grisham could top the yarn the Demos are pushing these days. Could we please just get on with it……