Sharon and I, while driving across Springfield recently, came to the conclusion that we have advanced degrees in the science of being pissed off. We have decided we either need to develop one heck of lot more patience and tolerance or consider the purchase of a cabin in Alaska or Wyoming, miles from other people. I can’t imagine taking classes in yoga, as there is every likelihood that Belger Cartage Co. would be needed to get me out of some of those ridiculous positions, and I have an adversion to wearing yoga pants or tights of some sort. I sincerely doubt either one of us could sit perfectly still for much more than 10 minutes as it is. I decided to write about the heavy hitters in the list of annoyances that are sure to narrow our eyes and invoke an untimely oath, something we both are vary adept at! Here we go, in no particular order….with a solution offered after each consideration.
Discarded cigarette butts cause me to reach for the Tums. I am sure it is the result of my scrambling about on my knees while in the US Army, policing butts discarded by my fellow soldiers. I find them to be nasty and odiferous. My totally impractical solution today: Pick them up and pitch them into the backseat of the car driven by the motorist who discarded them, before they burn out.
Discarded, stained and totally nasty mattresses in front of Goodwill and Convoy of Hope clothing bins. This is slob behavior of the highest order. Solution: Follow the miscreants home, note their location, gather up the mattress and set it on fire in their front yard at the stroke of midnight.
The middle finger. I wonder how many folks have been killed as a result of the display of the middle finger. This is a distasteful, vulgar gesture, usually employed by folks who are guaranteed some degree of anonymity by quickly driving away after their gesture. Solution: Follow them to their parking location and discreetly pour exactly one ounce of skunk castor in the air conditioning vent.
Littering our roads and highways. I lived to make littering cases when tooling around in my Patrol car, and still harbor a deep dislike for these slobs. Solution: Locate their homes and dump a trash sack of nasty kitchen waste on their lawn, or bag a road killed skunk and place it in their mailbox.
Not picking up after pets. Really? They currently manufacture a number of cute little baggies, on a roll, to pick up after your hound relieves himself. Solution: Find a barnyard and load a five gallon bucket with cow manure and dump it onto their previously located lawn.
Parents who do not clean up after their kiddos in a restaurant. We have seen carnage around a child’s eating position that resembled Caligila’s table, and parents calmly walk away without so much as picking up a discarded chicken bone or loaf of shredded bread, not to mention plates and silverware. Solution: Add a 20% surcharge to their ticket to cover the retainer for Serv-Pro.
Cell phone conversations, especially those on a speaker. We aren’t interested in listening to intimate conversations describing their bowel prep while we are eating, especially when the other party is otherwise occupied in a bathroom somewhere enjoying the aforementioned bowel prep. Solution: A device that immediately disables the cellphone through a highly directional signal.
Animal mistreatment. There are a host of abhorrent behaviors under this heading. Placing your dog in the back of a pick-up, untethered and especially the sure footed critters that like to stand on the tool box. Walking into Petco with your hound who is terrified and slinging him around on the lead as if it were a zip-line. Beating or kicking a dog. Solution: The possession of a dog by these folks should be a Class A misdemeanor. An alternative solution would be to leash the individual and drag them around Petco with a high kick to the ribs every other aisle.
Opening a car door and denting the door next to it. Self explanatory. Solution: A two pound ball-peen hammer and room to swing it.
Panhandlers who use dogs and children as props. Solution: Replace the dogs or children with a framed copy of the latest want add section from the local paper, provided at no cost, as the indigent person boards a city sponsored bus to take them to a hourly waged clean up site on a busy city street with a litter problem.
Folks who are intoxicated with the beauty of their car, thus requiring two parking places to protect it from the slobs mentioned above. Solution: The Boot.
Discarded soiled diapers. These folks surely were raised in a cave. Solution: The soiled diaper back into the car it came from, preferably under the driver’s seat in the middle of the summer.
CNN and FOX News. Never mind your political bent, these folks are agonizers and baiters. Walter Cronkite must be digging out about now. Solution: Report only the news and REALLY let us decide. A ten minute summary, each day at an appointed time, that is distilled to just the facts, should be made available. As an alternative, replace both shows with Andy Griffin reruns…the purest politics on television today!
Non voters who raise hell. Did you know that only 58% of registered voters voted in the 2016 Presidential election, the lowest turnout in 20 years? Solution: If you cannot produce a certified proof of voting document, any political opinion constitutes a Class B misdemeanor.
Apathy. There are a surprising number of folks who choose to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. Their mantra is, “I don’t care”. Their lawns resemble an agent orange test plot, they hide junk behind their inadequate fencing, and they don’t care who is leading anything from the local Duck’s Unlimited chapter to the Whitehouse. Solution: Try to educate a lemming and you will understand what you are up against. These folks are scary!
Passenger cars in RV designated parking areas. It is amazing how many thoughtless, lazy, apparently functionally illerate drivers beach their econo-boxes in the slots reserved for those of us in a RV. Virtually without fail, you can drive by these thoughtless folks and find any number of car parking spots vacant. Solution: Again, the Boot!
Folks who drive like bandits, cut you off after passing by hitting their brakes and immediately turning off at an intersection that you were nearly at. Solution: The middle finger….I need to work on this one a bit!
Finally, there is the matter of grammar. Sharon, the educator, blanches at the grammar in use today, whether it be in written form or the spoken word. I agree. The misuse of pronouns and tense is at an epidemic level. The computer is a part of the problem, the emphasis on math and science another, and the lowering of our educational standards is yet another aspect. Successful folks tend to communicate well…..Solution: Mandatory English and grammar standards in order to matriculate in primary and secondary education. It are disheartening to seen two many peoples with there poor writin an talkin skilz.
Notwithstanding these little annoyances, we are very content to live in peace. We are currently adopting an approach to the management of anger that does not involve hypnosis or yoga. When we see something particularly annoying or vexing, we are attempting a weak smile and remark quietly, “there you go”……
As you can see, our Ph.d’s are in the detection of annoyances…..we obviously need to work on the solution angle, but heck…we can dream can’t we?