Yesterday, Sharon and I made a sojourn to the Mecca Of Kansas City to do a little clothes shopping, with an eye to freshening up my fall wardrobe. I am a “clothes make the guy” kind of man, with a twisted notion that what you have on precedes you when you enter the room. In the boat world, we refer to a tricked out bass boat, being carefully backed into the water, as having “ramp presence”, even though the owner may not know a spinner bait from a ham sandwich. Airplanes are much the same way, with the real beauties immediately commanding your presence. Ramp presence exists in the clothes world too.
I have retired twice. Once from the tailored presence of the Highway Patrol and then again as a senior manager of the Gaming Commission, where daily wear was usually a suit and tie. Gradually, I’ve succumbed to the notion that jeans and Hokas are perfectly normal daily wear for anything from a burger joint to a funeral. Thinking I would make one last foray into being somewhat fashionable, whether at the gym or everyday with a younger wife who is very much easier on the eyes than a crumpled old trooper, we slipped into Scheels, really an upscale version of Academy combined with my beloved Bass Pro Shop. Tazzy loves the place as he is welcome and knows the way to the dog treat aisle. I have to watch him though, as he has a tendency to pee on the unisex mannequins wearing ballerina pants. What in the hell has happened?
Unless you are shopping at Duluth Trading or a farm store in the country, you had better have a penchant for casual pants that feature skinny (as in leotards) legs, and elastic, gathered cuffs that require assistance to get off at the end of the day, and a stride that places the waistband, zipper and crotch within 3 inches of one another. You wonder why kids wear their pants hanging low? They have to….cause there is little pant to work with. I perused aisles of pants and shirts, colorful, inordinately expensive and mostly described as “athletic fit” whatever in the hell that is. This beautiful store, with a beautiful gun shop, and I’m guessing a half million pairs of pants, stocks very little with a waist band bigger than 38. Stocky guys (that is what I see in the mirror every day) have to suffer through the humiliation of inseams that begin at 32 or 34 and end with 38. I am built pretty low to the ground, and it costs 25 bucks to have a pair of sweat pants snipped off. Somewhere there are a bunch of guys walking around as if on stilts with no stride whatsoever, and weighing 150 pounds, wet. The clerks were sympathetic as they pointed us in the direction of hunting wear and such where I might have a chance to score a pair of insulated coveralls to wear to the next funeral.
The average guy doesn’t stand a chance with today’s look. That’s okay though, I love to shop Duluth Trading and wear a lot of Carhart stuff that features my “mature look” and recognizes that “athletic build” means an average guy, riding a horse or swinging a hammer, and sporting inseams that comport to the same. I am the guy who shows up in creased (or not) jeans, leather sneakers and a belt to keep the denim in place. George Strait likely does not own a single pair of pants with a gathered cuff and neither do I. Scheels is a beautiful store, with a wonderful assortment of guns, ammo, bar-b-cue stuff and dog treats. Clothes for us cowboys…..not so much. Time to take my diminutive wife out for a crepe and coffee. I’ll be easy to spot in the upscale eatery, the guy sporting jeans, his shirt tail out and a belt.
Have a wonderful week!
SR
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