What the Hell………

Okay. I am going to deviate a bit from the seriousness of the world around us and talk about something that is the foundation of our existence. Ladies, you may find this of particular importance as it is reported that women buy 60% of this product for the men in their lives. I am talking men’s underwear here, where I take a tongue in cheek look at this booming industry (pardon the pun.)

It you are a Social Media consumer you know what I am talking about. Who lately hasn’t seen the Facebook add featuring a young man wearing a pair of the latest Tommy John drawers. He is either an out of work porn star or desperately needs attention to address what has to be a painful hernia. But wait…as they say in the informercials, there is more!

Industry experts say the average man buys his own underwear for 17 years of his life. That leaves a lot of time for moms and wives to do the shopping. Thirty years ago it was easy. You wore boxers, briefs or Army drawers. They came in white, white or olive drab. Back in the day, go to the gym and drop your jeans to reveal a “red soft modal, copper infused thong” and you would be dressing alone or stuffed into a locker. Cotton was the order of the day, which modern manufacturer’s say is comfortable but loses it’s shape over time. No kidding, so do the wearers! Don’t think it matters? Think again. Your chances of ending up in a doc’s office or the ER standing around in your soothing paper gown are better than ever. Don’t get caught without a sleek pair of designer drawers when they decide they need to look in places that don’t see much sunlight.

Mack Weldon says he has devoted 10,000 hours to the development of his silky Lycra and Modal underwear. This brings up another point, gone is cotten and Modal is the new fiber of choice. Modal is derived from the Beech tree and Lycra is a chemical concoction that can expand up to six times it’s original volume. This expansion is important to middle aged men and the aforementioned guy with the hernia. Wait, there is more!

Everybody has gotten into the underwear game. Tommy John, Mack Weldon, Duluth Trading, Sax, Calvin Klein, and Bonobos come to mind. They offer copper for odor control (replaces washing machines) cool zones for the boys and super secure pouches that breathe when you are short of breath. (The pouches should be mandatory for ball players to keep them from constantly rearranging their junk) The colors are breathtaking and the styles are limitless. You can choose old school boxers or briefs, or…..hold on, boxer shorts, short boxers, long boxers or boxer briefs, thongs, slingshots (don’t ask) or cute little socks that resemble the handle protectors on a cast iron frying pan. No fly, button fly, or horizontal fly are additional options. You can get them with copper filaments or for the discerning, silver threads, anti-microbial infused and organic fiber constituted. You can even order a “hammock” style pouch and guaranteed no roll waistband. The discriminating shopper can also find his and hers sets of undies where form eclipses function, I am sure……

Not your fathers underwear…..

Why does this matter, you ask? Harvard says that men who wear boxers produce 25% more sperm than guys who wear briefs. So if you are in the baby making business, this might be helpful. Guys who go commando are 30% more likely to have chaffing and to injure themselves while physically engaged. It matters because many wives and girlfriends will see the Tommy John guy and think they have been short changed in life. (Another pun, sorry). It matters at the doctor’s office or gym where staff won’t be able to recall your name but will long remember your neon Star Wars shorts. We have come a long way from worrying about whether to button down or use a collar stay.

Good luck ladies as you navigate the world of men’s underwear. Odds are you’ll spend a lot more time buying his foundation stuff than he does yours. That, my friends, is a shame…….

Have a great weekend!


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