The Return Of The Resolutionists……

Just as the swallows return to the cliffs of California’s Mission San Juan Capistrano on March 19 every year, the Resolutionists flock to our gyms on or about January 2d to shake off a year’s inactivity and “get in shape”. Large gymnasiums offer a peek into a cross section of Americana, and this show around the first of the year never disappoints. If you have never participated in this ritual, consider this writing as a guide as to what to expect.

First, the Resolutionists are fairly easy to spot. Some will have dusted off their 40 year old Converse canvasses while other will have opted for brand new high end Nikes or Hokas. The older folks will suit up with knee high black socks and a few, presumably thrifty, folks will have sorted through their drawers at home for a pair of their High School gym shorts or the well worn, baggy sweat pants that see double duty as lawn cutting attire. A word here. Aging folks begin to sag in places not usually seen in public, so if grandpa suits up in his old gym shorts, his well worn boxers will do little to support his activities, if you get my drift. By the same token, folks who have added serious poundage should avoid Lycra and spandex like the plague. The failure to heed this advice can be quite startling for everyone in the gym, young and old alike.

Resolutionists are social animals. They will congregate in small groups around the less challenging machines, always those you can sit on, and discuss medical issues, doctors and diets. These conflabs can tie up machines for quite a while, thus denying circuit trainers and serious gym rats access. The younger Resolutionists will invariably push, pull or lift far too much weight given their protracted inactivity over the past year, and usually take a day or two off to heal before returning. They are also guilty of moaning, grunting, snorting and clanking weights, presumably to impress their conflab mates awaiting their turn. Newbies will be sporting huge water bottles and sports drinks, although dehydration during their grueling 20 minute workout is usually not an issue. They will also have enormous, new gym bags filled with protein bars of every description. Resolutionists do not go hungry, nor do they present at 0 dark thirty, like the regulars, preferring the magic hours between 9 and 10 AM.

There are a good number of folks who eschew new shoes and gym attire, preferring their street pants, jeans and ordinary shoes. Their husbands or wives kicked them out of the house in response to medical advice telling them to exercise more and/or lose weight. Many were startled into reality by their new clothes from the big and tall shop. The cold image in a full length mirror is also a well known catalyst. They will likely not make the Resolutionist minimum training period of an entire month, instead choosing the obvious, grim, reality as inevitable.

Staring in gyms is considered poor taste, but who can avoid watching a Resolutionist tackle a machine while relying on horrible form and a predictable lack of knowledge as to the benefit of a particular device. They will have their brand new earbuds on, jamming to their favorites while they wail away, oblivious to form and repetition. They have many televisions at their disposal, but these are usually in the aerobic sections, to be avoided at all costs. There are a number of personal trainers in my gym…..but they cost extra, even though they are worth their proverbial weight in gold. Resolutionists also love the walking track, but abuse the privilege by coveying up to share their lives to date, creating navigation issues for the regulars.

The upside to the appearance of the Resolutionists is that a few will break through and actually become active in the gym, replacing the folks who have timed out for various reasons. God bless ‘em as it is never too late to exercise and help modify the dismal image of an over weight, sedentary American population. Our lives have become an existence wrapped in convenience, where you can have nearly every conceivable need met without leaving the confines of your car. The gym is a great place to shake our convenience addiction…..and at least they are making the effort. Welcome, Resolutionists. We look forward to your return every bit as much as the Swallows in California!

Have a great week!

SR