Month: January 2016

The Ozark Riviera…

an ozark bluff

I awoke this morning with a powerful urge to hop on the pontoon and yacht to a favorite waterfront hamburger establishment for a thick, juicy burger, fries and a light beer……I am guessing that 11 degrees and a brisk north wind has the burger joints shut down so I’ll settle for a cup of coffee in front of the fire.  That is life on the Ozark Riviera……my Neanderthal urges were likely the result of watching the KC Chiefs work their magic yesterday.

I feel sorry for the folks who are dealing with life on the other Riviera….the one over by St. Moritz, right close to St. Tropez.  What do they have to look forward to?  They will awaken looking out over spindly olive trees, with little woodsmoke as opposed to mighty oaks and the friendly smell of a hardwood fire.  It rarely frosts there, with an average low in January of 42 degrees.  Their average high temperature, in August, is 83 degrees……..boring!

While we enjoy a hearty dinner of fried chicken, maybe ribs and pulled pork or pan fried catfish, they are thinking about eating bait…..stuff like squid, snails and lots of vegetables.  To really spice it up, they will poach, POACH a fish to enjoy with a handful of nuts and more vegetables.

They are a snobby lot, thinking they have the market on tourism cornered, what with 14 million or so visitors annually…..nothing compared to a holiday here on our Riviera when St. Louis, Kansas City, most of Illinois and half of Iowa show up.  They know nothing of testosterone, too busy with trimming the sails and puttering about drinking delicate glasses of wine on their cute little sailboats …..we know horsepower, cold beer and ear splitting exhaust……

They have their Grimaldi Castle, we have Ha Ha Tonka, they have the Prince of Wales (their schools can’t be much, it is WHALE not wale) we have our Prince of Crappie ( rumored to be Ralph Biele).  They have their delicate little seaside cafes, we have the Olean Testicle Festival……

Relatively few are fortunate enough to experience life on the Ozark Riviera and Ozark Americans are among the most genuine folks on this earth.  It is up to 12 degrees now, time for the Ozark Diet’s staple start….biscuits and gravy!

winter

 

Coffee…the nectar of kings….

coffee

Our government watchdogs have weighed in with the latest federal guidelines that seek to re-define, again, what we should and should not eat.  It just keeps getting better……

Today, eggs are in.  Sugar is out, way out and a moderate amount of salt is okay.  That ribeye that is ambrosia to many……not so good for the male population.  The Mediterranean Diet is still getting rave reviews, and if you are a vegan, you should give Methuselah a run  for his money.   All good stuff; however……

The really big news is coffee!  Unless your heart’s ignition system is shaky, up to five, count ’em, five cups of this magic elixir is okay in a day’s time.  Joy unbounded!  Now we’re talking….

I managed to make it through a stint in the US Army without developing a taste for coffee, an occasional cup of which I generously sweetened and diluted with cream until it was unrecognizable.  I was able to avoid it’s evil attraction through the Academy……and then the wheels came off.  I hopped in my Training Officer’s cruiser on the first of January and we began the metamorphisis from a wanabee trooper to the real thing…….by fighting crime between the various coffee shops in the county. I had no choice, and promptly became an addict….

Regrets?  Not one.  Coffee is my friend. I can now have it in a hundred variations, always just the right strength thanks to my magic  machine that transforms a little plastic cup of carefully selected, organically grown, ground beans into a steaming cup of goodness with the push of a button.  All this without the guilt and social stigma associated with the other addictions out there………like a perfectly grilled ribeye, drenched in steak butter and spices…..

Thanks, USDA, you damn sure got this one right!